Beyond the Black Hole

I must have fallen into a nicely laid trap

I was doing a bit of investigation on a few matters I thought I had better clear up before beginning my big push to take over this backward planet like finding out who really shot J.R., who it was that framed Roger Rabbit, and what number and letters were responsible for bringing today's episode of Sesame Street when I came across this package of something called "cigarettes". I actually discovered them through spending a long time observing this earthling female in the eating establishment, not a high class place in my opinion, who seemed to take one of these cigarettes from the pack, light it from a horribly small flame-thrower made out of some really cheap material, and then suck the smoke from the burning material within the cigarette into her mouth over and over until she had depleted a large amount of the flammable material within the cigarette, then she would snuff that one out and immediately remove a cigarette from the pack and repeat the process. I was unable to understand the attraction of this exercise, so when she excused herself to powder her nose, and, although I am not understanding the purpose of that exercise either, it was what she told everyone she was going to do when she left her seat . . . but anyway, she left and left the cigarettes on the table. I decided that I would help myself to one of them, and did so. I easily lit it with my ray gun, and regrettably, forgot to take into account all other factors, so, as well as lighting the cigarette, I disintegrated the window to the establishment, six cars and about half a dozen pedestrians. That cigarette was great. When the girl came back, while she was looking at the destruction caused by my inattentive use of my ray gun, I asked her where I might obtain my own set of cigarettes. She said that I would have to roll my own, but did offer to sell me a small clear sack full of the flammable material for some sum of money. When she refused to consider a handful of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish as an alternative form of payment, I zapped the crap out of her with my ray gun and took the remainder of the cigarettes she had in her possession as well as several clear bags of the flammable material she said was necessary to construct the cigarettes. I plan on dismantling one of the previously constructed cigarettes so as to discover the manner in which such are constructed.